sleepless
by DangoLovesYou
Summary: Haru and Makoto will always be together. Always. That's how Haru needs it, that's just how his life functions. Makoto will never leave him, whether Haru's gay for him or not.. Never...Bad summary, good story. MakoHaru, experimental styling.


You're awfully quiet. Quiet on the boatride home, when you're thinking about me. Thinking that you wouldn't be able to live without me, not that you'd want to. Thinking that you're glad you woke up to save me, but you shouldn't have let me sleep in Rei's tent in the first place. You should have been next to me, watching over me, protecting me. And you think that you never realized just how dearly you love me, not until you heard how faint my heartbeat was and fell apart inside.

You've known you're gay for years. How could you not realize, seeing so many ripped and shirtless men in swimming advertisements and competitions? But realizing you loved me in such a way, that sank in somwhere between my waking up and this boatride home.

You're quiet as I walk you house, too, though you keep glancing at me, as if to make sure I'm still there. You're glad we can spend these minutes together. Ever since you dragged my body to shore, you've been uncomfortable letting me out of your sight, and you don't think you can handle being alone with your thoughts. Even though you leave it mostly one-sided, this forgettable conversation and the sound of my voice is music to your ears.

You walk more closely to me to me than usual, hoping I won't notice, which I don't appear to. When I stop talking to smile down at you, you actually almost smile back. Then you realize it was a parting smile, because we're at the door, and your mind rushes into a panic. I can't leave. Not yet, not now. You need me . You need to see me and hear me and feel my gentle presence. As the sun sets around us, you don't want to let me go.

So, "Wait, Makoto," you say without thinking, "Can you come in for a few minutes?" You realize it's a terribly selfish thing to ask. I have a family who hasn't seen me in days, and a home to return to. You justify it in your mind by telling yourself that, with no family living close-by, I am your home.

Maybe I realize that, or maybe I just can't say no to you, but I end up nodding. "I guess I could spare a few minutes." You're just as relieved as you are guilty as the two of us head inside.

"So, what is it?" I ask as I settle myself down on the floor. You realize you don't have any excuse, so you just look pointedly away until I speak again. "Haru?"

"I don't want to be alone," You say truthfully, because I'm Makoto and you trust me to not judge you or think badly of you. My compassion is one of the things you love most about me, after all.

I just smile. "Really, Haru-chan? Ah, I should probably call my parents then, so I can stay for a while." You nod from your spot across from me, and I take a few minutes outside. While I'm out, you miss me. The image of my limp body keeps flashing in and out of your mind, and you make yourself small in discomfort. Your wise grandmother used to say something about not knowing what you have until it's gone, or nearly so. How true it is.

You don't say anything when I return, but you don't have to. The way you visibly relax speaks for itself. A comfortable silence hangs in the air until I ask, "So, did you enjoy the trip?"

"Yeah. Most of it."

"Yeah, it was fun, wasn't it? We should plans things like that more often. Maybe I'll look into a trip next break. What do you think?"

"Maybe," you say quietly. "As long as you stay safe this time." You notice I look a bit taken aback. You wonder if I realize yet just how badly I scared you. And then you realize a moment later, though, that I can't possibly, and hopefully I never will. It's a fear you wish I never come close to experiencing.

I help you unpack your things as you make mackerel for dinner. The familiar smell is comforting, and helps to sooth your anxiety, but not by much. The only thing that really helps is me, smiling and sitting beside you as we eat, and the fantasy that it this could last forever.

I try to leave after dinner. You stop me, but you won't say why. "Haru, please tell me what's wrong." But it isn't that easy. You can't tell me that you love me and risk my running away. Not now, when you need me most. I must realize in your silence how vulnerable you are, probably more than I expected you would be, and a knowing smile curls upon my lips. "Okay, take your time. Is there anything you need from me?"

The air is thick around you as you contemplate before speaking. You know I'll take care of you if you show your weakness and just say, "stay." You're glad you can trust me so much.

And I respect that trust, even if I'm blind to your internal struggle. "How about I sleep here, then?" I ask unassumingly. It

seems as though all you must do is ask for help, and you shall receive it. Your hair bobs as you nod vigorously.

I crawl through the small empty space between us and grab you in a gentle embrace. You gratefully cling to me, holdong me as tightly as you can while fighting to not lean your head just one inch or less and kiss my know you should be happy just to have me in your arms, but the heat I radiate and my subtly sweet scent in your nose make it hard to resist. You close your eyes and appreciate the beating of my heart against your chest, strong and steady.

"I'm not going anywhere, Haru," I say gently, and you fist your hands in my shirt. I had never had to tell you that before. The necessity of it now makes you want to cry, but you don't. You have to maintain some of your dignity, for fear that you'll scare me away and I'll break that vow.

I eventually pull away and smile down at you. You just blink slowly, emotionally exhausted. "Tired?" You nod. "It's been a long few days. Why don't we both go to bed early?" And so we both do. Whenever I sleep over, you sleep on a futon beside me instead of on your bed. It's well past nine by the time we get them both laid out, and by the time I've taken my bath. You say you're too tired for one, and although a look of concern etches across my face, I don't push the matter. I just nod and lay down beside you.

A sigh of your relief echoes through the darkness. I'm there, beside you, right where I belong. And although you know it's risky, that I may suspect something, you reach out and take my hand. You squeeze my fingers as tightly as you do your eyes, against mental images of roaring seas, claiming lives. Only when I squeeze back can you relax.

You've always loved the water, haven't you, Haru? Its presence, its very existence has always brought peace to your world . Almost like me. I do the same thing, don't I? I am the one you have when you have no one else. I am there for you, no matter what. And I am kind.

And these are the reasons you love me.

So why do you love the water? ...It isn't kind Haru. It destroys people. It steals the air from their lungs, filling the space itself until there body's stop functioning. And then what's left? A grave, some memories. But what about after that? What about later, when the grave has eroded, their name forgotten? A statistic, Haru. The number of people who drown will forever exist as a fact, longer than any human. Longer than you. Longer than me. Longer than the ocean itself, its record of destruction will still be true.

Maybe this is what your subconscious is trying to say. Maybe that's why, when you finally float off to sleep, you dream of my life being torn from me. Maybe that's why you scream, you scream so loudly at my corpse as your CPR fails, over and over. You scream so loudly, in fact, you pierce the threshold between dream and reality, and I wake up.

When you open your eyes, I'm hovering above you, trying to shout past your screams to wake you. My face is contorted with fear. You're glad to see it at all. You were convinced you never would again and believe it a miracle when you do. Tears stream down your face desperately, raindrops fallen from the fog within your mind. Another reminder of the storm that helped the ocean nearly claim me. But this is within you, and that only frightens you more. You don't think before you act, trying to save us both, because in your mind's eye, I'm still dead. You cling to me, and press your lips to mine.

It almost feels like a goodbye. Maybe it is one, a goodbye to the end of when times were simple and easy,

You realize what you've just done. And, you tremble. And your eyes lock mine for the

slightest moments before you climb out from under me and are off, down the hallway and trying to escape all the real and fake drowning you in this very moment.

You're certain you've never shown me that kind of weakness before. You've had your moments, but you're a grown man, and a stoic one at that. Usually you're so strong, so composed. Haru, managing to keep that look on his face no matter what. And even when you were trying to keep me alive on that island, you didn't cry. You will always assert that it was the rain, nothing more.

But as you sit in your empty bathtop, hugging your knees like a child, you can hear the echo as your tears splash onto tile. And when I wait a few beats before following you in, you only heave harder. Damn weakness, it doesn't matter. Not anymore, now that you've done what you've done and I know what I know. Damn... damn it all.

I sit beside the tub silently for a while, until your eyes dry. Not saying anything, just being there. Probably because, as much as it hurts to have me there, it would be worse not to. You need to know I'm alive. And I'm your best friend. Who else would sit by you in your time of need?

I reach through the tight air and gently take your hand off your knee, entwining our fingers. You don't look up, but you don't have to to know I'm not smiling my smile when I say, "I'm... I'm straight, Haru."

There is no chance of "I didn't mean it," or "it isn't what you think,". No "I thought you were someone else," or "Wait, Makoto." There is nothing but a tiny squeeze, a subtle nod, and one last choked sob.

Damn it all.

An~ tbc. Probably three chapters. I wanted to have it done by the end of the show, but then school came along... Anyway, please let me hear your thoughts about the story, or drop a rant, tell me your life story, complain, whatever, in a review. Thanks for reading! To be re-edited.

Oh, free!...


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